Who am I?

I know its common for new parents to wonder if their individuality has been drowned by all things baby but this doesn't feel like it's a phase.

I used to identify myself by the things I used to enjoy. I got seriously into music in my teens - who didn't you may ask - and that love continued for a good long while. Not just new bands and artists but older people. I'd get such a buzz off falling in love with a random little song that no one else had heard of. Growing up it was radio 1 on an evening - Steve Lamacq followed by John Peel then Mark & Lard. I'd forsake sleep on many a night so I wouldn't miss these guru's of musical knowledge feeling like I was being enlightened in some way.

These days its a miracle if the radio gets played at all and if it is its generally just background "filler" music that I've heard a million times before.

It doesn't seem like a big deal when I read that back to myself but it feels like it. I don't miss going out drinking or any of the many other things that are sacrificed when there is a baby to care for. You may wonder what stops me enjoying music or film or books like I did - surely a baby wont get in the way of all that... You'd be right, he doesn't. He's more concerned with getting his toes into his mouth to worry about his mother's crisis of identity!

I've tried, I mean really tried to get back into my old routines of the radio on an evening with a book in hand but just cant seem to concentrate on anything. My attention span for anything that requires more than 20 or so minutes is just not there.

The reason this has become a major concern is that I want to come off my meds. I don't like them - they're supposed to make me calm on an evening to reduce me feeling anxious and panicky but instead I find they just knock me out. Not good, especially when you have to get up through the night to see to the baby. So I started to think of other times in my life when I would get stressed out and what would calm me down. That's when it dawned on me I couldn't name one current musical artist that I owned anything by. I couldn't remember the last book I bought. I couldn't remember getting really enthusiastic about anything to be honest and that makes me sad.

I'm determined to get back to myself somehow. Writing this entry has taken the most concentration I've given in ages. I've got the radio on in the background and I've had to tell myself off half a dozen times for trying to turn it off. The most important thing for me though is that I've got a smile on my face. It's just keeping it there that's tricky...