Well what a day...
Health visitor came today. Not seen her for two months and we had a lot to catch up on. OH was there for part of it which was nice as his shifts mean he rarely has chance to get involved with things like this. Everything is great with little man. He's growing and gaining weight steadily. Have some small concerns about his left hand and his eye but getting both of them checked out so that's fine.
Had a good chat about my anxiety attacks and she wonders if I'm experiencing "fight or flight" symptoms. Makes a lot of sense because when things get too much I just want to run away. I asked for her thoughts about what I should do regarding my so called happy pills as I don't think they've made the slightest difference and she suggested I ask my Dr about cognitive therapy to try and tackle the problems head on.
She got me to retake my pnd assesment that I first did when he was 6 weeks old. It's one of those questionnaires where you have to circle the best response to a particular statement relating to how you have felt in the last week. The first time I did it I scored 18 (the higher the score, the more likely it is you have pnd) today I scored 21!!!! Seriousy has there been any actual point to me chucking pills down my neck for the last few months!!!
If there is a positive to this is that its made me more determined to get well and get functioning again. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own house. I don't want my son to miss out because I cant handle the world. I don't want my relationship to suffer because the thought of going out for something to eat as a family makes me feel sick. I just want to be me again. Hope I can find the way.
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Been a rough few weeks.
Weirdly I've found it harder to write this post than I did the first one.
I'm calm and relaxed now but I've been having anxiety attacks lately. Had a really bad one two weeks ago in town. Was there with my other half, his Mum and of course my little man. The idea was to go for some lunch but the sun had made a brief appearance so everywhere was packed. We had all stuck together until OH went off to argos and M-I-L had popped into Boots. I thought I'd be brave and wait outside as the smell of all the perfume was giving me a headache and anyway, both of them were to take no longer than 5 mins. Sadly I was stood outside for longer - not sure how much but it felt like an hour - and there was just a constant surge of people. I started to panic. I felt sick, started going dizzy and at one point felt myself welling up. No one was answering their phone and if OH hadn't've come back when he did there is a strong possibility I would have left the pram and run away. I hate myself for that.
I've had a few more episodes but that was the worst. I decided a week away at my parents might do me some good - show little man off and catch up with the family. I'm from a small town and thought I'd just be able to chill but no!!! Little man gets chicken pox... Not only was he really poorly with it bless him but I couldn't visit anyone as he was so contagious so my nice stress free week went out the window. I've spoken to my Dr and her solution is to change my happy pills as apparently the ones I've been on since I was diagnosed can increase stress levels(!)
Thankfully he's all recovered - just a few scabs to heal so I can try and focus on getting myself sorted. I'm meant to be due back at work in 3 months and at the moment I don't think I'll cope. There'll be a solution out there - just got to find it.
That's all for now - hopefully my next post will be a little happier...
I'm calm and relaxed now but I've been having anxiety attacks lately. Had a really bad one two weeks ago in town. Was there with my other half, his Mum and of course my little man. The idea was to go for some lunch but the sun had made a brief appearance so everywhere was packed. We had all stuck together until OH went off to argos and M-I-L had popped into Boots. I thought I'd be brave and wait outside as the smell of all the perfume was giving me a headache and anyway, both of them were to take no longer than 5 mins. Sadly I was stood outside for longer - not sure how much but it felt like an hour - and there was just a constant surge of people. I started to panic. I felt sick, started going dizzy and at one point felt myself welling up. No one was answering their phone and if OH hadn't've come back when he did there is a strong possibility I would have left the pram and run away. I hate myself for that.
I've had a few more episodes but that was the worst. I decided a week away at my parents might do me some good - show little man off and catch up with the family. I'm from a small town and thought I'd just be able to chill but no!!! Little man gets chicken pox... Not only was he really poorly with it bless him but I couldn't visit anyone as he was so contagious so my nice stress free week went out the window. I've spoken to my Dr and her solution is to change my happy pills as apparently the ones I've been on since I was diagnosed can increase stress levels(!)
Thankfully he's all recovered - just a few scabs to heal so I can try and focus on getting myself sorted. I'm meant to be due back at work in 3 months and at the moment I don't think I'll cope. There'll be a solution out there - just got to find it.
That's all for now - hopefully my next post will be a little happier...
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