Where to begin...

Hey everyone :-)

Never written a blog before but I was inspired to take the plunge after reading a very brave and personal post by a friend of mine. I thought to myself if she was brave enough to share her life then I really have no excuse.

My main reason for reaching out this way is that I have been diagnosed with post-natal depression and I find it hard to open up to friends and family about how I feel. I'd've probably been ok with just plodding along had it not been for a conversation I had earlier this week. I had called in to work with my little man to say hi and try and figure out my options for going back to work (which I don't want to do by the way) when after telling a friend about my pnd she asked me if that meant I didn't love my son.....

It's clear that post-natal depression is something of a taboo subject. Everyone has heard of it but not many people know what it is. I can only speak about my own experiences but I would like to emphatically state that I love my son more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone. He lights up my world every single day and I can't wait to see what he learns and how he grows.

I think my experience is more to do with how I feel about myself. I've always been a pessimist with low self esteem and high insecurities and it's hard to convince myself I'm capable of looking after my little man and can provide him with everything he needs. I'm very reluctant to leave the house with him unless we have a specific purpose such as doctors appointments and I count it down until I can get back inside. I spend most of my days with the blinds closed and ignore the phone or any knocks at the door when I can. I hate myself for doing it because it isn't fair to him - it probably isn't fair to me either but I've never made myself a priority. He's such a happy, sociable boy of 17 weeks and I need to work on making myself a stronger person.

Well I feel a little better for just getting this off my chest even if no one ever reads this. I have a beautiful son and need to do my best to be the best mother I can be but I'll always have a voice in my head telling me I'm no good. At the moment it shouts in my ear but one day it might turn into a whisper...